Surviving an Affair?

I don’t know whether any of you reading this article will have had an affair or maybe contemplated it.

Or even possibly fantasised about it without acting on it.  But, what I do know is that many relationships won’t survive an affair.

So the people who get caught, and lets face it most do, will find their relationship in disarray and have no hope of surviving an affair.  The regret they feel and constant deliberation over how they could be so stupid takes over.  The ultimate self-sabotage, so why do people still do it?

We are all human beings, with basic instincts that sit below what we call our humanity.  In other words, a basic primal need to procreate.  A strong biological basis that drives our emotions which comes from our primitive brain.  Rationalising some of those emotions begin and we even lie to ourselves.  Our minds begin to process the benefits and minimise the risks.

There is a scene in the film Love Actually. Harry is seen trying to buy some jewellery for Mia, before his wife catches him.  The impatience and urgency when trying to buy the jewellery and hoping he’s not seen.  And then the resultant denial when Karen (his wife) finds him.  This may well be a romantic comedy, but I’m sure this gets replayed for real the world over.

That may well be a film, but in reality… you see the hurt not just to your respective partner but your children and even friends.  There’s the moving out from the family home into a small flat, and seeing the kids only at weekends.  A downward spiral of despair and regret – not the excitement you somehow imagined.

Let’s face it just like Christmas, people can find the anticipation better than the real thing.  How many of you get excited about Christmas and then it’s over in a flash?

I’m a hypnotherapist, I’m not a marriage guidance counsellor but where hypnotherapy can help you is to empower you to make better choices and come to more rational decisions.  We talk about the primitive and the intellectual sides of the brain, how to start wrestling control back and begin the process of making better decisions.  It may well be a case of concluding that a relationship is over but at least you can come to that decision without the undue influence or pressure of an affair.  On the other side of the coin, as a hypnotherapist I can help you put more drive into making your relationships work and avoid the distress and misery of a broken down relationship.

Finally, I feel it’s absolutely necessary to show my gratitude for my good friend Donald from across the pond. You my friend are an inspiration, and I’m thankful for your input without which this blog wouldn’t have been written.

For counselling, support and information for all relationships https://www.relate.org.uk

Break Free from Sleep Paralysis

“I lie awake in bed….panic smothers me as I try and move.

I know I’m not alone, but I can’t talk.  My breath becomes more urgent as I try unsuccessfully to move. There’s an axe coming through the bedroom door.   Everything is pressing down on me, and despite trying to do anything I’m powerless.” Is this sleep paralysis?

This may sound like a scene from a horror movie, but it’s an account of an experience of sleep paralysis.  This is a tortuous condition where one wakes up in the night. Unable to move, often experiencing terrifying or strange hallucinations.

Sleep paralysis is more common than you might think.

These episodes tend to occur early in the night or towards the end, as you are waking up.  And they’re more common than you might imagine. It’s important to remember that it’s normal for your muscles to be paralysed at certain times when you’re asleep.  

During rapid eye movement (REM) sleep our muscles are completely paralysed – everything apart from the eyes and respiratory system. It is assumed that this paralysis mechanism is in place to stop us acting out our dreams, based on rare cases where the paralysis fails – and people physically act out the contents of their dreams.  Unfortunately, this paralysis sometimes occurs when the mechanism that causes your muscles to relax during sleep temporarily persists after you’ve woken up.

There are three general categories that tend to manifest

  • Intruder hallucinations – a presence within the room
  • Pressure on the chest / suffocation
  • Floating sensations (usually above the bed)
Sleep paralysis moon image

These events tend to occur when the brain’s ability to regulate a normal sleep-wake cycle becomes disrupted.  It’s particularly found as a result of post traumatic stress disorder, and within people suffering high levels of anxiety.  However, many people suffer from sleep paralysis without any apparent psychiatric or neurological condition.  Stressful life events, anxiety, and sleep quality all have an impact.  And as you would imagine, people who experience disrupted and irregular sleep, such as shift workers, are at a higher risk.

Are there any treatments to help with this condition?

In very severe cases anti-depressants are prescribed, however ongoing research suggests maintaining a healthy, regular sleep pattern as a good approach.  So going to bed at roughly the same time each night and getting up in the morning may improve symptoms.

It may well be a terrifying ordeal to go through, but for those who do its important to remember that they are temporary and harmless events.  So, if you are experiencing a sleep disorder then it is important that you visit your GP who will be able to provide you with a diagnosis and advice as well as being able to rule out any serious underlying medical conditions. At this stage your doctor may then recommend or refer specialist treatment and services, one of which may be hypnotherapy.

Many sleep disorders are fuelled and worsened by stress and anxiety, issues which can be effectively resolved with the use of hypnotherapy. Usually it is not a situation itself which causes stress but the way in which we react to it. By inducing a state of deep relaxation in an individual a hypnotherapist will be able to gain access to the unconscious mind. Negative thought patterns and reactions to a particular situation can be turned into more positive ones so you can finally break free from this debilitating condition.

Irritable Bowel Syndrome

Diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome IBS by your GP? You’re probably not controlling your symptoms satisfactorily.  Coupled with being too sick to work, or taking time off to visit your doctor affects your quality of life. Bloating, intermittent diarrhoea, constipation – all things that end up causing tiredness and general irritability. Consequently you find yourself unable to wear trousers / skirts comfortably as bloating intensifies.

Symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome.

Symptoms vary between individuals, but how do you feel when you have irritable bowel syndrome? The following are common symptoms of IBS:

  • Abdominal pain and discomfort
  • Abdominal contractions, spasms or cramps
  • Diarrhoea
  • Constipation
  • Bloating
  • Nausea
  • Excess wind
  • Vomiting
  • Indigestion

IBS sufferers experience a combination of symptoms, with one symptom in particular occurring regularly or with greater severity. Symptoms vary from where they don’t really affect quality of life, to serious, finally prompting the sufferer to seek help.

Causes of irritable bowel syndrome.

So the precise cause of IBS is unknown, but there’s general agreement it’s due to increased sensitivity within the gut. It can be very painful, not to mention depressing and stressful – but there’s hope! Hence most individuals with IBS use some form of self-treatment, with a proportion trying alternative therapies or management strategies.

Hypnosis.

First of all there’s significant evidence demonstrating that the power of our minds, when directed appropriately, can significantly improve symptoms of IBS.  Not only that, it can have a major impact on our psychological wellbeing and general quality of life. Hypnosis is effective in working with the symptoms of IBS and to sustain it’s effects over time. Stress although not necessarily a cause of it, is known to exacerbate it. Hypnosis sessions involve deep relaxation, positive suggestions and various imagery techniques. Clients receive a CD to take away to help ensure the most effective results. Associated symptoms of stress, anxiety and so on are worked on within sessions. Consultation and therapy are undertaken with the utmost sensitivity and respect.

NICE.

Indeed the National Institute for Clinical Health and Care Excellence (NICE) recommends the following.

The use of psychological interventions for people who don’t respond to pharmacological treatments after 12 months NICE

Do I need to see my GP before I try hypnotherapy?

Absolutely, yes. You probably already know it, but we need your GP to confirm the irritable bowel syndrome diagnosis first.

And Finally… treatment.

6 sessions of treatment can work well, with the opportunity to top these up in the longer term. So, sometimes, hypnotherapy can work in a few sessions, or just one. I monitor your progress on a session by session basis so I can make recommendations.  The crucial element is attitude. Without determination from the client to overcome the problem, hypnotherapy is unlikely to be successful. Your motivation to change is the key to a successful outcome. The attitude I expect to see from my patients is “I will control my symptoms”.

Have you downloaded any of my relaxation hypnosis mp3 recordings yet?  So why not switch off and relax fully, deeply and quickly – obtain your copy of my mp3 here..

Black, White, or Shades of Grey?

With solution focused hypnotherapy, we regularly see clients with high states of emotional arousal.

We can quickly treat these conditions, such as anxiety, using a combination of therapeutic techniques including hypnotic trance. First we help our clients regain control. Secondly, we get them to operate from what we call the more positive and intellectual side of the brain. This naturally allows for behaviour of a more positive nature, and thus begins the journey of recovery. In essence we help create less of a black or white outlook and more of a shades of grey scene.

Quite significant consequences have come about from our emotions operating in black or white thinking. In particular within our human evolution and history.

black and white thinking depression

The two extremes.

As emotions rise, the original primitive part of the brain ‘hijacks’ the higher, more recently evolved intellectual brain. This very quickly begins to blank out the more subtle distinctions in life.  For example, in a life or death situation, the ability to make fine discriminations must be shut off, so that we can act quickly to take the decisive action needed to save ourselves.  A black or white, right or wrong, all-or-nothing result arises once there is a significant issue of emotional arousal.  Everything thereafter operates out of these two extremes.

Thankfully, the intellectual brain partly evolved as a means to discriminate the shades that exist between black or white.  Quite simply, it was nature’s solution to our need for adaptable responses to the ever-changing environment.  This of course can only happen if the original primitive part of the brain isn’t too highly aroused.   Interestingly you’ll find it near impossible to communicate with someone who is too highly aroused, they cannot have anything other than a black or white opinion, and unable to see another viewpoint.

Black or white thinking.

If the black or white thinking continues it will eventually generate more emotion by repeatedly turning on the fight or flight response that makes us angry (fight) or anxious (flight).  That individual will then find the intellectual part of their brain unable to use its ability to take a wider perspective on life.  They will be unable to see the infinite shades of grey, and find that they catastrophize the ‘bad’ things that happen by magnifying them.

So, are you a black or white thinker, or do you see the signs that there are shades of grey between? Book online today

Find Love this Valentine’s Day

February is here and with it Saint Valentines Day.

Embracing a time of year that is historically associated with love and fertility. It encompasses the sacred marriage of Zeus and Hera in Ancient Athens. And also the Ancient Roman festival of Lupercus, the god of fertility.  You may be spending it with your loved one or dreaming of a loved one you’ve not met yet. Maybe you’re simply dreading this time of the year where everyone else seems to be so “in love”.

Now, there are several things that we need in order to develop a healthy emotional life. One of which is that we must have the ability to love and receive love.  To care and be cared for by at least one other person is key.  That’s not to say everyone has to find a ‘significant other’. Or even that fulfilment can only be achieved with that one person.  No it’s simply the experience of being cared for or loved that has a beneficial effect on our self-development or sense of worth.

Effects on our health

Our resilience increases when we are loved.  Take for example loneliness, it can be as dangerous as high blood pressure, obesity, smoking or a lack of exercise.  When we take it down to the fine detail of the cells of chronically lonely people, they are less sensitive to signalling from the stress system as a result of the stress hormone cortisol.  This is where immune responses then become inadequate.  And when people become chronically lonely they are far more likely to become depressed.

Networks & Community

But if people have a strong network of family, friends or community they are happier and emotionally and physically healthier people than those who feel isolated or unable to make connections with others. Interestingly elderly people who rely on two or more people in their lives for support have been found to survive longer after a heart attack than others without that support.  Increasingly common is the situation where people flounder when they live apart.  Following their job or wherever their careers take them, may cause them to be far away from any established social support networks they previously held.  And so they lose contact with the very people who care for them through the unpredictable heartbreaks and uncertainties of life.

So…what are you waiting for?  Yes it may well be February and valentines day looming but just reach out. Reach out to those who matter too – those friends and relatives.  If we all reached out and made contact with those we have lost contact with, the world would be that little bit happier and feel less isolated.